The Person You See…

The person you see is not who I have always been and there is still a lot of healing, learning and growing for me to become the person I would like to be on this journey… I have come from a place that left me with heartache and scars as I travelled through life. I experienced situations and events that I would not wish on anyone and gained so much from what has happen, only I could not see this at the time.

Life takes us on the most amazing adventure where we have the opportunity to learn, but when we suppress our emotions they become baggage that we carry with us until we are ready to let go of the situation that no longer serves us. For some learning to let go will happen, others it may never happen, as the emotions we attach to situations can manifest into more than they ever were meant to be. Emotions that change the way we act, respond, connect and understand the world around us. Emotions that the ego manifests and thrives on making our life a misery without us often realising. With this comes time that we may say or do things that is not ideal as you are hurting within but may not really understand why. Yes this is all part of life but without being prepared to acknowledge that you need to change your ways and then taking the action that is required life is likely to stay the way it is for a long time…

For me, it did take time to understand this and then it took more time before I took action. Actually when I look back I feel there is many times that the signs were there but I did acknowledge them for what they were. It wasn’t ’til I realised I was the one that needed to find a way, to make things in our house work for me, our son and family, as everything I did impacted everyone in different ways. It was a harsh reality when life felt like I was already pushing shit up hill with our son not coping with the world, not sleeping, little or no support, other children and a husband that was a shift worker at the beginning of our journey. To be honest some days I was an absolute mess but I kept on going, by trying to find my feet, while thinking something had to change sooner or later or was going to go crazy. The issue was I did not see this change was up to me, as no one else was going to make it happen.

It is not a realisation that is easy to process or digest as I needed to start looking at our life from a different view and work out how I was going to deal with the situation we had been handed… One that was very different to anyone I knew… I felt very much alone in a world filled with people. It was like being in a bubble some days as your life was so different to everyone else’s and when it came to accessing services to assist our son for a long time it was like you were asking for a fruit that was out of season, that’s how little you could access when our son was diagnosed. It was heart breaking and devastating to be on an unknown journey that had night glimmer of hope when it came to accessing resources externally, which is when I discovered looking at things from a different view could be the way to change so much of what was happening…

As I began this new approach I started to show gratitude for the smallest things that came our way, like an extra five minutes sleep even if it was 2.05am. Five minutes more meant progression on yesterday or the day before… I started to find ways to bring joy into our day in ways that worked for us. I acknowledged our limitations and looked at how I could transform this to be of value to our family and with time I started to develop a framework that had firm foundations I could build on. A framework that simplified our daily and weekly schedule bringing progression, achievements and success to our house again. I was beginning to fill fulfilled and the obstacles our son was experiencing we were turning into opportunities for us all to learn from. We went from having complete chaos to finding clarity to be able to keep progressing and understanding that having a bad day was okay. You can always start fresh tomorrow.

All this and more is what has made me who I am today. A person who has peeled of many layers of emotions and a person that still has plenty more. The baggage we carry has come from many years of trauma and changing this does not happen over night but rather one day at a time by taking baby steps in a forward direction towards being the person you would like to be inside and out…